I remember in Michigan never being cold. Not ever. I used to laugh at people down here all bundled up when it is 40 degrees out. Now I am that person. Mostly because I have lost over 100 pounds and I don't have that hibernation warmth. But I am always cold. I am cold when I run. I am cold when I go outside to my car. It's funny because when you are really fat, you become accustomed to being fat and warm. I haven't been this weight, really, ever in my adult life. Dang, I even asked for a fancy wind proof, rain proof jacket. I never even owned one in Michigan. Not even my double husky fancy $160 North Face fleece can't even defend me from the cold crisp air of the mid Atlantic. It's terrible. I always have to have gloves on too. And in my office, last winter I made fun of all my coworkers being cold. But at the end of the day, I would rather be cold or wearing really baggy clothes.
This is just one of the prime examples of new feelings in my life. Another one was this past weekend at a holiday party. I was a bit overwhelmed with all the flattering remarks from the people who haven't seen me in a long time. I also needed to go out and buy a nice casual dress shirt for functions because I literally have no clothes left in that department. Most the new clothes I have are either for exercise or work. No social event clothes. But again, it makes me feel good.
You know, there is no code, book, idea, or story anyone can tell you when you lose weight. No one ever told me how much it would change me emotionally and physically. No one ever told me how people would react. No one ever told me I would hear a bunch of naysayers. It's funny when you hear people say, "you have lost too much weight". Like really, I am still clinically obese. My doctor will tell me that. Any medical professional would. As I struggled two weeks ago about what I should do at Weight Watchers I reminded myself of why I am doing what I do. My doctor had written me a note that I can be at lifetime weight at 230 pounds (which I have already surpassed). After kind of getting the cold shoulder from my coordinator, I went home and thought long and hard. I decided that I am not at my lifetime weight. No way of cheating. I haven't weighed in since I last weighed in but I know I am still going to lose pretty easily. So I need to regroup, meet with my doctor and figure out a good goal weight. I am scared to have to maintain. I am also scared of not having a low enough goal weight. But I want something that I can accomplish. And MAINTAIN. I am probably going to go with 210. I need to meet with my doctor but I think that would be a good weight. My dad was always around that weight.
Another funny story is when I went shopping Monday before my movie. I sent a picture to my wife with a top I found. It was sweet. But it wasn't something I would normally wear.
It was a large. Which blew me away too. But I liked it. Last night i am talking to my wife and she says, "That's not something I have ever seen you wear". I was like, "I know, that's because I was never able to fit into normal size clothes and they never sell cool things for fatties." I learned this week that a positive of being thinner is being able to buy clothes that are more fashionable or hip. use whatever you want to call it. But it felt great.
Everyday I struggle with my new identity. I know people around me do to. But it is here to stay.
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| This shirt is pimp |
